i have missed this so much it's ridiculous.

yet i don't miss it, because i finally found the most wonderful distraction from time to think about myself, and he was... wow amazing, he absolutely saved my life for four months, but the last month has been very... difficult.

i wish i still knew how to write stories the way i used to. but i can't. the best i can do is a shitty english piece, because it's specific, so i can think about it properly, and develop from what the teacher had told us.

but my will to make things up by myself has drained away into nothing and i can write maybe a few sentences a month if it's not to do with my own life or homework.

i hate that.
i hate that i can get A's for the things i write when they aren't even real, because i just used the instructions my teacher gave me.

i want myself back again.

i need muse.

Title: Broken, Repairing
Author: skullonherwrist

Raiting M?
POV: First, Ryan's
Summary:  I can remember being little. I remember how wonderful life was. I remember what love was. I remember. I'll never forget.
Disclaimer: hai, not mine :(
A/N: alright, this chapter is really weird and confusing, because i was in a strange mood when i wrote it... sorry if it makes no sense... it was also going to be really weird anyway, because it's from Ryan's point of view, which immediately means it will be twisted and yeah. let me know if it's TOO confusing though. :P
Previous Chapters: one | two |

 

( chapter three )

Title: Broken, Repairing
Author: skullonherwrist

Raiting M?
POV: First, Brendon's
Summary: I don't know whether I can control myself. I bottle things in, but not when I feel comfortable, and Ryan has won me over. My heart is speaking.
Disclaimer: hai, not mine :(
A/N: sorry for the wait... school is so annoying, and so is writer's block. i wasn't sure about the quality of this chapter but I haven't had the time to improve it much. so i'm really really sorry :(
more stuff at the bottom kk?


( chapter two )

Title: Broken, Repairing [a/n: i rly want a new name for this... ideas? :D:D]
Author: skullonherwrist

Raiting M?
POV: Third
Summary: Biting his lip, Brendon shakes his head. “I didn't think you needed saving,” he says. “Well, then you're right,” Ryan's eyes bore into Brendon's, “I don't,” he hisses.
Disclaimer: hai, not mine :(
A/N: I wrote this ages ago. Really, I don't know exactly when last year, but I hadn't even looked at it for about 3 months until a few days ago when I typed it out and actually completed the first chapter. :)
( chapter one )

oh yeah so once again everything had to change

at least they changed for the better

i was in a neutral state for awhile, and then it hit me that my sister was going to be gone for the whole year, and i cried for a night, and silently begged whatever's out there to make her change her mind and come back


then it kind of occurred to me i can through shit on my own, and if i really need someone to talk to i can call her or talk to my other sister

and i'm starting to get sick of talking about myself
the sad thing is i don't have anything else to talk about.




p'raps i should end this now.


santi?

i finally like my reality and now i've managed to slip back into a fantasy and for some reason i believe that i am living a life i barely even know.
when did this this happen? when have i ever been mature enough to knock the fakeness out of my world.
when have i ever had the guts to face the music.

why is everything so fucking different?

pugs.
they are seriously the cutest things in the world.
and german shepherds and huskies and labradors and english sheep dogs are also awesome.
and beagles and chihuahuas are adooorable.
i love dogs. :]

i don't know.
i just feel like writing something.
even if i don't have much to say.


i wish things were different.
i wish they were fair and just.
there shouldn't be any hopes or dreams, we shouldn't need them. they're already here.
the reality.

fuck this btw.
i'm not sure why i'm bothering.

maybe i don't want anything to make sense anymore.
it's not like they ever did.

let's lay life out simple.

wow.

i'm really stuck in the middle of nowhere with no one to care about me, except myself.
because i'm a selfish fuck.

i really want to die and yet i'm scared to do it myself.

i keep having these images of something good happening, and nothing does, and it makes me empty and scared and worried that everything i have to hold onto [my sister and my ipod and my best friend] is going to fall apart

i don't know what to do

there's no one else to tell

my sister, i know her secret now, and i'm scared for her, because she's one of the best people i know, and yet she thinks she isn't and i don't see why she isn't pretty much in love with herself because everyone else is

she wants people to be jealous of her, guys to want her, strangers to look and her an then look twice.
she wants attention, and she has it, even if shes not skinny, only average.
she has charisma and a pretty face, and friends, and good fashion sense. shes funny and smart and tall and brave.

she is everything i want to be and yet she doesn't see it.



and then there's my best friend
she's chubby. not fat, not average but chubby, so she thinks she's ugly.
shes not
she's actually really really pretty, and she's also charismatic and popular and funny

we don't go to school together anymore though, and it feels weird being friends with her because i've got no friends at my new school.
everyone i know is superficial.
you need a big group of friends to be normal.
me? i have none.
all i am is skinny, that's it, that's all, that leaves me with basically nothing.


i don't like myself anymore.
i hate myself.

i hate myself because i used to have so much. i used to have friends.
there were 2 people at my new school who were really nice.

now, i don't know why, but they both hardly ever talk to me.

all i've got is feelings and they all suck.

what good is life if you aren't enjoying it.

and there isn't a human to tell.

i'm scared i'll manage to humiliate myself by breaking in class. just bawling my eyes out.
these days it's too easy to cry.
6 months ago it was so hard to feel a thing.
i was just plain empty, and i couldn't cry about, so i wrote about it.

now i can hardly write.
it takes ages for me to think of what to say, and even then, it doesn't mean anything, because i've got no one who cares about it.




i fucking want to give up, and i'm too much of a coward to do so.
fuckfuckfuck i hate myself.

actually, spring just started for me. it's been cross rainy cross wonderful for the past week
yay for winter ending. winter sucks. tans are much nicer then unshaven, white legs. unless you're lucky and have darker skin. then tans aren't needed.
spring is still better, even though autumn is pretty.


everything is great, ily world.

and wtf is a transition period? :S

I decided I'm going to rewrite Like Petals.
I think half of the side plots I thought up, I forgot about.
Brendon was going to be depressed and drink a lot, but I totally forgot about that after writing the first chapter.

Also I'll probably be on hiatus for a while.
I need to sort some stuff at school out.



The concert was utterly amazing, and oh god, I wish they'd come back.

crap I haven't posted for a month.
Now I'm writing a story with my own characters.
I'm really looking forward to posting that somewhere.
I like it because it's about a Jewish boy whos gay and has to deal with stuff.
The idea kind of just occurred from the beginning of a Ryan/Brendon story that I had already started. I never got further then a few sentences, but I did have a plan in my mind what it was about.
It's way different now, but it looks like it'll shape up alright.
It's better then Like Petals is turning out anyway.
It doesn't have chapters.





in other news, twelve fucking days until the concert. I'm so excited. Oh god oh god oh god.
I'm also moving schools real soon and I don't know exactly when but I can't wait. :]




And drama is turning out really well. It's become one of those rare highlights in my week. The highlights that I get usually don't last long, but hopefully this time it'll last. It should, anyway. Unless my parents decide it's too expensive, which seems doubtful.





I also saw The Dark Knight last night.

Heath Ledger is so so so amazing. I'm in love with him.
We were talking in class today about how according to some old sage or whatever, the Jewish Messiah is actually a dead person, and so I yelled out 'Heath Ledger must be the real Messiah!' and got kicked out.
It was worth it, though.

We did this thing in science that made half the school stink like shit better known as rotten egg. We also got to go home early. I practically ran home. When I got there I wondered why I did, because there was absolutely nothing that I could possibely do other then play Spider Solitaire and listen to the The Classic Crime.


Life is painfully uneventful.

Oh well. :3

bahahahahahaha.
I'm totally avoiding writing my story.
instead I'm writing about three sentences a day for a different story.
I've got writer's block.





On the other hand, I had a totally amazing dream that I went to the PATD concert again.
Except this time, TAI and CSS weren't there.
Me and my friend were up right at the front, and there was no barrier.
While they were performing, Brendon got off the stage to shake hand with fans.
We met Dirty at the back of the concert hall place.
He gave some dude free converse. They were lowcuts, pink and yellow.
All the technicians were riding skateboards on their stomachs.
There wasn't a mosh pit.
There was just tonnes of rows of seats.
We met some really hxc fans and found the door to backstage [which was right next to the seats, you had to get off the stage and walk over to it.]

The stage was really little and didn't end on either side.
It was just square.
Jon looked awesome.
Ryan was wearing his rosevest [:DDDDDDDD]
Spencer was hidden behind his drum kit but I think he was wearing a headband that was actually Ryan's.




20 days until the real thing. omgz.

I had the best dream in existence last night.
it was the 23rd of August and I was going to PATD's show.
And everyone in the moshpit was dealing crack, and I was watching, amused.
And William and Sisky and Ryland and Butcher were all standing at the t-shirt stand, signing stuff.
And I kept trying to film the conversations we kept having.
But my camera wasn't working.
And suddenly, I found myself walking down a highway with William and Sisky, and a van wa in front of us, driving.
We kept walking, and after a bit the van, which had been going slowly, stopped, and we got on.
Then Butcher dragged Sisky into the 'bedroom' and told him to get changed into his 'costume,' to show me some performance or something.
And while I waited for Sisky to come out, I talked with this rando, whose name was Sophie.
And it was totally awesome, and Sisky came out and did an impersonation of something from really funny, and I tried to film it, but it didn't work.
And then I was back at the show, and William and yeah were at the t-shirt stand again, and everyone was buying crack, and the weird thing was, TAI was playing while I was getting William to sign my t-shirt.
[I had taken it off.. :S]
And then I gave Sisky and Gabe a pie- a meat pie, that had been squashed in my bag.
And suddenly, I was somewhere in the middle of all the moshing and crack-dealing, and I was wearing my school uniform and feeling daggy.

It was totally awesome.

Yeah, and the night before that I had a dream I was watching Chiz have sex with some girl in a public toilet in a shitty hotel. o_O
And Chiz had snuck into the bathroom in a purple scuba suit, through this retarded tank in the cubicle. And then he pretended to be a girl when he left through the door, all wet and ~sexed up.
And then we were going to have a threesome, but I found my parents in their bedroom and decided to get my luggage and take it to my room in the hotel instead.
I was also scared because I hadn't shaved my legs.
O_________O

I must say, waking up was slightly traumatizing.
:]

I've been watching videos from last year a lot.
I miss having long hair, and making stupid videos about utter crap and filming anything and everything.
I miss my video camera, and year 7, and bludging jewish studies lessons with Orah.
I miss the private jokes, and the ridiculous amount of laughing until crying.
I miss that one time I went ice skating with everyone, and we saw a whole lot of year 8 boys we knew who were behaving like total fucks.
I miss the million jokes we made about it afterwards.
I miss the hour long walks I would take after school, without shoes on, and I miss taking pictures of the trillion beautiful things I would see.
I never thought it would come to this, but I even miss my shitty MP3 player that had about 80 songs on it.
I desperately want things to change, but even more so, I want last year back.

Title: Envy
Author: skullonherwrist
Rating: Somewhere in between R and PG-13
Pairing: Ryden, Onsided Brendon/Ryan’s sister
POV: Third, Ryan’s sister
Warning: Character deaths. Yes, deaths.
Summary: She was hated.
Disclaimer: plot claim.
Author Notes: at the bottom.

( What was a heart? )

I've been feeling really depressed lately.
Which is stupid, I guess.
It was just my birthday.
Shouldn't I be happy?
But I kind realized on my birthday, that I didn't care about it.
Instead of being all happy about it, like I was last week, running around and telling all the teachers and all my firends and everything, I was just 'meh, thanks,' when anyone came up to me and told me happy birthday.
I didn't have a happy birthday, not really, it was okay.

But, yeah.
I started writing a really depressing one-shot inwhich people die and everything is sad.
That's what happens when I decided things suck.

And to prove how morose I've been lately, even my dreams have been depressing.
Two nights ago, I dreamt that I was at a carnival kind of thing, but there was hardly anyone around, and me and Brendon or Patrick, I'm not sure, got on a hot air balloon with my cat [I don't even own a cat wth.] and then somehow we were in the air, and looking over my primary school. And the hot air balloon for some reason couldn't hold us up. So I decided I would jump out with my cat.
And Brendon/Patrick was like, 'If you really want to, I'll miss you,' and he kissed me, and I jumped out, holding onto all these helium balloons. And then I kind of floated down in slow motion, wondering if was going to die, and I did. Somehow, I landed headfirst and then I woke up.
And today I almost fell asleep in maths.
I was half dreaming about how I was Sisky Biz, and I was about to join the band, and one of the guys from TAI was asking me if I really wanted to, and he was explaining to me about all the hard things you have to go through.
And he started crying cause he mentioned 'you can't waste time mourning over loved ones.'
And I hugged him and stuff, and then my maths teachers yelled at me to pay attention and I stopped dreaming.

So, as far as I can tell, growing up sucks. I wish I was Peter Pan.

The Cab is amazing. :D

No one reads this. :[
Oh well...

The Cab is amazing. :D